skouija

Sitting Waiting Wishing

skouija — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 18:19:00 +0000

Reverse?

Forward?

Lone Ranger

skouija — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 14:18:00 +0000

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."

Bathtub Test

skouija — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 19:05:00 +0000

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Water or Beer?

skouija — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 17:43:00 +0000

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop
BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER. It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

No need to squat.

skouija — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 14:58:00 +0000

When you gotta go, you gotta go!

A Montana Cowboy

skouija — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 14:38:00 +0000

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give my back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Mistakes

skouija — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 22:39:00 +0000

"To swear off making mistakes is very easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas."
— Leo Burnett, American advertising pioneer (1891-1971)

For speed?... Or comfort?

skouija — Sun, 15 Oct 2006 02:35:00 +0000

I got a fever...and there's only one prescription.

skouija — Sun, 15 Oct 2006 02:30:00 +0000

Tampon Shooter Blowgun

skouija — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 19:42:00 +0000

Tampon Shooter Blowgun

Gucci Quote

skouija — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 20:17:00 +0000

"The bitterness of poor quality is remembered long after the sweetness of low price has faded from memory."
Aldo Gucci - 1938

mmm...that IS a tasty burger.

skouija — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 13:37:00 +0000

Beer Battered Deep Fried Bacon Double Quarter Pounder

Police and Lawyers.

skouija — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 00:28:00 +0000

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

It's been a while...

skouija — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 00:24:00 +0000

Business is booming and I have been traveling alot lately. Early May found me in Orlando for the McDonald's WorldWide convention. A week later I went cruising in the Caribbean. Although I had fun, the work really piled up while I was gone. A week after that I had to go to Detroit for 4 days on more McBusiness. Next week I'll have to go to Wisconsin.

I guess it's good I am staying busy. I'm not complaining, but I need a break.

Fart-free beans

skouija — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 03:22:00 +0000

What fun is that?

Making Deals

skouija — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 12:22:00 +0000

An important lesson we should all learn when it comes to making deals.

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you ....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

9.7

skouija — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 01:16:00 +0000

The New Coleman Backyard Deluxe

skouija — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 12:45:00 +0000

Don't miss this deal - I picked up one for my back yard! Just in time for summer cookouts!!!

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

Albertsons, Dillons, COSTCO, K-Mart, Kroger's, Giant Eagle, Local IGA Store, Lowes, Wal-Mart Sam's Club, Meijers

Virtual Globetrotting with Google

skouija — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 11:44:00 +0000

Virtual Globetrotting

The Freedom To Pee Standing Up

skouija — Tue, 11 Apr 2006 01:41:00 +0000

Female Freedom

Update Your Colonel... Err, Kernel!

skouija — Wed, 01 Mar 2006 12:35:00 +0000

::uberGeek::Toons::Switch to Linux()

Don't Bruise Your Fruit.

skouija — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 15:11:00 +0000

Banana Guard

WATCH OUT!

skouija — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 16:10:00 +0000

WARNING!

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

You've been warned! Be careful!

God, he's so sexy...

skouija — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 18:19:00 +0000

Smoltz is ok too, I guess....

Where's George?

skouija — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 16:24:00 +0000

I got a dollar bill this week, and I just noticed that it had www.wheresgeorge.com on it... I'm curious.

Where's George?